i would punch a child for taco bell
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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