I've blown a few things in my day
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
