You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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