i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
