I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
