Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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