I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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