The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
