mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
