is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
