i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
