and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
