Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
