I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
