i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
