we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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