Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
These tits shall not be calmed
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