The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
BRING THE BAGELS
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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