So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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