This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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