....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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