Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
