i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize