I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
