I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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