first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
