Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
