oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
