Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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