you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
