you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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