I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize