Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
