peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.