what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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