everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
