he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Let's get the cat blown out
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
