He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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