woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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