Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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