3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
