I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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