Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
