life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
