The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize