Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
