how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
