Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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