I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
