My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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