These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
