A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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