I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
