it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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