I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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