My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
